Keeping my head above water….
I’m really into this blog post sharing and I’m going to try my best to be mindful of it and the content that I can share. I know the writing is helpful and even a form of meditation if you but for many reasons I feel that I have kind of lost my way…..lost my voice if you will. Since I got out of rehab and returned home to the shit storm of a mess that I created before I left (I call that D-Day and I’ll save that for another time}.
I’m 41 years old and here I set typing about the mess I’ve made, and boy is it a big one. My husband has left me, my house still isn’t finished, I have no job, my kids are in counseling and I’m a f#$#cking hot mess. Alone, depressed, anxiety ridden to paralyses with no hope of integrated back into my community. My hometown, Clendenin, WV born and raised. I love(d) this small, quaint little town so much so that I came full circle and back on the compound, bought the house from my grandpa and put down roots.
In June 2016 when that historic flood hit our state and wiped out this small, little town the havoc it reeked was devastating. I feel quite confident that I can speak for the majority of the population here. …. hell I did when FEMA rolled in and tried to railroad and take advantage of all of us (but that too is saved for another time). Nothing has been the same for me, it was horrible. It’s been nothing but pure hell the past 13 months.
If someone would have told me a year ago that this would be the state of my life I would have looked at them and laughed. Hell no. Well hell yes. How did all this happen? Where do I even begin to start to try to work thru it and heal, let alone try to explain it to this audience . I haven’t a clue to be honest. I can only suggest that when you read you’ll just have to enjoy the message.
Hey I admitted from the very beginning that this is all new to me and that I would do my best. So please remember that.
The husband got transferred from here at home in WV to Evansville, IN because all the coal mines shut down that if the coal miners aren’t mining coal then CSX doesn’t have any coal to haul. It’s not rocket science it is what it is. So being the responsible person that he is he took a transfer to the closest city that was the most busy with work. Job security. This was in Feb. 2016 and the plan was for me and kids to move out there in June 2016 so we would all be together as a family unit.
Guess what? That didn’t happen and what came next was a travesty that damn near destroyed me (and a few others). The flood hit on June 22nd, 2016. Matt was out in Evansville working, the kids at their grandparents and me here at the house. About 5am our little dog, Foxy started growling and barking. It was very unsettling and then I heard it…..the gurgle of water that has surrounded and filled up my backyard and then flooding my home. I got foxy, my cell phone, my purse and my bible (this one I didn’t even realize till later) and headed out the front door to what bit of higher ground we have around here.
I took off and headed straight up the holler to my grandfather’s house to check on him. He was fine and so was his home. The water actually crested right outside my front door, imagine that. As I was dredging thru the water trying to get my barrings together and comprehend what the hell was going on, I just so happened to catch a glimpse out of my kitchen window at the back of the house. And there it was, the mighty Elk River in my damn house. What the hell, how on earth is this happening I continued to think. There was no rationalizing whatsoever.
It was at the point I went into auto-mode, a defense mechanism like no other mind you, and after that the next 2 to 3 days were so surreal and vaguely comprehensible. I don’t have too many descript memories or recollections to be honest. That’s probably a damn good thing too, know what I know now and living what I’m living now from all that aftermath.
The reality of the situation really hit me when that eminent silence had spread over the neighborhood and ultimately the whole town. It was at that moment I heard choppers over ahead and they were administering emergency rescue and dropping boat out of the sky and down into the river to rescue folks that were trapped. You wanna talk about some serious mind-blowing shit that seared its reality into this brain for the rest of my days.
That shit fucked with me like nothing else to this point in my life. Here was my house submerged with water, my town completely underwater and my fellow neighbors standing on their roof tops waiting to get rescued. I mean really.
Nothing like a historic flood, a husband working out-of-town and having to walk the front lines of the aftermath that Mother Nature had just dumped on us. What better time and excuse to amp up the drug use. I know that there isn’t a damn excuse on this earth to justify my bad behaviors and many mistakes but I don’t know what I would have done thru all of that if I hadn’t been using.
With active addiction in full effect there was no way out of it. I thought about how much I wanted and needed to quit but I didn’t have a damn clue as to how I was to go about that. There was no way in hell I was going to announce that to the husband the family during this Presidential declared state of emergency. Really. No way I could have done that. And obviously I didn’t but oh my how I wished I would have.
Perhaps the events that lead up to me setting here typing these words and sharing my story as part of the recovery process and an attempt of self-care. Who the hell would have thought…..
That flood did devastated, destroyed and damaged so many people in its wake. I guarantee there isn’t one f#$#$cking person in this town that isn’t depressed, divorced, self-medicated and oppressed beyond comprehension. Yeah it was that freaking bad.
And for now this is going to be a stopping point. I’ve gotten worked up and the anxiety and repressed feelings are surfacing and need tended to. I’ll be back soon with more. Thanks for letting me share….